Flashback Friday: The First Days
Let me tell you, the first week was SO hard and the second week was even harder. As you may know from my birth story, I was technically high risk from elevated blood pressure so I was in the hospital almost 3 full days after having Hudson. I was definitley running off adrenaline and in survival mode.
I had our little dude at 4:30am. By the time we went to our other room, it was around 7:00am or so and even though I was obviously exhausted, I was still awake. I was in awe, I was talking to family, I was getting something to eat. I think our first guests arrived around 10:00 or 11:00am. Then, it didn't stop. Between the nurses and visitors and tests for Hudson and I, we didn't get a break. I don't even remember the first night. I was trying to breastfeed, so was awake every hour or two. Thankfully, when he wasn't eating, my hubby cuddled and loved on him so I could at least rest, but it didn't really mean sleep. Wednesday afternoon (the day after) I finally fell asleep and within minutes, a nurse came in to check my blood pressure. Hubs said, "she just fell asleep, can you come back in a little bit?" But she couldn't. And I lost it. I got up out of bed and just started crying uncontrollably after she left. "I'm just so tired. I just want to sleep", I sobbed. Luckily, our awesome nurse came in and asked what was wrong. I let her know that I was just so utterly exhausted and everyone kept coming in and I couldn't get any rest. She said, "okay, give me 20 minutes and after that, I promise no one will bother you for at least 4 hours" and thank goodness she kept her promise. I got to take a nap, with the most sleep I had gotten since Monday night. I felt like a new person, even if it was only 3 hours or so.
Thursday evening around 5:00pm, we were discharged. I was so excited to go home, to sleep in my own bed, to not be bothered by nurses. And so commence the two most hellish days I have ever spent on Earth. He cried, all. the. time. He wanted to nurse, all. the. time. I honestly probably slept for 2 to 3 hours in those first two days. Josh would try to let me sleep, but Hudson would just cry nonstop. On the second day, we definitley slept when he slept, which wasn't a lot, but at least we got some naps in.
On Saturday, we went into the lactation clinic. Long story short, and multiple tears later, she informed me my milk just hadn't come in. I was not able to feed my baby and he was essentially starving. I felt like the worst mother on the planet. I had wanted to breastfeed so badly. It was the only thing he really needed only me for. Anyone else could cuddle him, change him, play with him, but nursing was supposed to be our thing. I was devastated. She fed him an ounce of formula and he slept, for five hours straight. It was night and day. Since he was passed out, we went to grab lunch at a loud restaurant. He slept straight through it. We ran to Target to grab a few things, he slept right on through. He woke up in a good mood, or as good as any 4 day old baby could be. At this point, I would not let anyone else feed him, except for his daddy. This lasted for about 3 weeks, and now if anyone wants to do anything with our little dude, I am happy to hand him off. Not that I don't love being his momma, but I am with him all day, everyday.
In the following weeks, I was beyond grateful for my husband. He was able to take 3 weeks off (including the week in the hospital) and was the most helpful man. He would wake up early and change and feed Hudson so I could sleep. He would snuggle him so I could shower or rest or do whatever I needed to do. But I was tired. So unbelievably exhausted, because all the adrenaline had worn off and we were waking up every 2 to 3 hours to eat and fuss and man, it was a lot. It was hard. No one really knows what they're signing up for, I don't think, until it happens.
So any new mommas reading this, just know it gets better. 3 or 4 months later, you won't remember how tired you were those first few weeks. You won't be as exhausted, or you might be, but it's your new normal and you figure out a way to get through it. I know it might sound ludicrous when you're 2 week old baby is up all night screaming and you don't know what to do because it's 2:30am and neither of you have gone to sleep yet, but cherish it. Look down and take in how tiny they are, how sweet they are (when they're sleeping). Smell them, snuggle them, remember it, because it goes by way too fast. They will never be that little again.
Keep your head up mommas. It will get better.